Pants 0. Shit 1.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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