Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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