Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
