I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
