remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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