I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
