Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
