i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
