I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
