I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
