If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize