I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
