i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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