thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
