it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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