Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize