Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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