found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
