I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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