I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
