My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
