You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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