Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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