My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
