Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
