my vag is so smooth its legendary
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
