Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
