then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
