If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize