Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
