I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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