I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was not drunk enough for that final.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
