when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This baby is an asshole
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize