She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
