just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
