I only kidnapped one of them. chill
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The struggles of a small town man whore
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
