Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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