gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
