I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
