My cat gives me a boner
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
