Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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