When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
