I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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