wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
