i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
