I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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