Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
