this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
