In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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