I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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