so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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