her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need to sanitize my soul.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
