her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
