You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
