I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
