I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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