I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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