I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
