The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
