How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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