1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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