A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
